I’ve started, so I won’t finish. Again. In the midst of my chaotic kitchen, surrounded by half-printed photographs, half-paid bills, half-hung pictures and half-bought-online birthday presents, I see yet another pattern appear before my eyes.
To anyone on the outside, I’m a pretty organised person. I’m very tidy, everything has a place and is usually in it. Books on the shelf, photo albums in the cupboard, drawers closed and surfaces as clear as they can be for someone who doesn’t like to throw anything away. But inside my mind it’s a different story. Let me share that little bit of me with you.
I live my life in circles. Not Google+ circles, though I’m experimenting. Thought circles. Love circles (note, this is not the same as triangles). Life circles. Maybe even crop circles. The thing is, no matter how much I think I’m moving forward, I’m looping right back to ….. well, the beginning. Every circle starts somewhere, it just doesn’t really finish.
Right now, I’m following the orbit of a particularly challenging circle. It’s a little longer, bumpier in places and a lot closer to my deepest aspirations; which means my deepest fears. I started this journey in my teens, along with big ideas of what my life would be about, how successful I would be and a strong desire to get to the finishing line.
The motivation that drove me down the roads I decided to take was impulsive and determined; starting in my belly and rising, like an amazing new idea that is going to change the world. Clearing barriers, doubts and objections as it travelled up to the forefront of my mind. It became me and I became it. Over the years, I passed the start of the circle many, many times. I cleared more barriers, whilst friends and family marvelled at my ability to be both selfless and selfish, but above all, successful. I marvelled at the fact that I was not where I wanted to be. The problem was, I didn’t know where that was.
The good thing about circles is, it doesn’t matter how many times you cover the same ground, because every time you learn something new. You create a chain of knowledge, experience and understanding, so each time you get that familiar feeling of ‘I’ve been here before…’, it builds. Sometimes you forget what you learnt, but then see it through new eyes when you pass that point again.
This latest loop has been the most difficult, because it dragged me kicking and screaming into reality. I realised that I had been trying to become something I wasn’t. That’s hard to admit, especially when you think you’re on the right path. I saw that all I really need is to feel safe, secure and happy. And that the responsiblity lies with me. Success is about being you, in the best way that you can be. So, I decided to try to change my life.
It’s a slow process. I still don’t know where I’m headed, but I do know that there’s no finishing line. Living life is not finite, and neither are circles.
So, next time you feel weary and emotional as you tread the same rocky path as some time long ago, remember something very, very important. You’re wearing stronger shoes.